Lately, my head has been swimming with a crush of ideas and worries...(well that's not true, my head it typically swimming) with all kinds of things that I have no solid answers for. I hate that! I want the magic 8 ball that has all the answers.
I am past the end of 'my year'. I saved up so I could spend a year at home with my babe. That year is up by a few months now and I need to figure out what to do. Do I dig deeper into my savings, do I get a part time job, a full time job, etc? If diving back into the job market...what do I want to do? What is worth leaving my son for 8-10 hours a day for? Is there a new career that will allow me to earn more, provide better job security, better future, better hours...I don't want to go back to the specific industry I used to work in, where I have the most contacts and skills (and where it would make the most sense). Ugh. However, not dumping my entire savings and having some financial security and being able to plan for a future financially is important too. This may all sound silly or selfish depending on which side of proverbial fence you live on, when it comes to moms and careers. I want it all...and that possibility just doesn't exist. Or if it does, let me know. I want a great career and I want to be the one spending each day with my kid.
I am really torn and out of options. I need to find a source of income. So...what to do? Write an entry in my blog. Ha ha! Yes...writing may help, but does anyone have a magic 8 ball...really....c'mon, help me out.
What I want to do, start my own business, scares the crap out of me. I have some specific ideas of what I want to do and some facts on how it could turn out...but nothing is secure...not in this market and the fact that I still rarely sleep makes me worry that my exhaustion has got me delirious.
I was so hoping I would be getting more rest by now, so that I could at least occasionally feel like I had something more to offer my family and the work force. I miss being me. I miss feeling confident and secure and smart. Sleep deprivation (yes my kid still wakes up 3 times a night and is up by 4 am...many mornings), has robbed me of feeling consistently grounded. Scratch that...I will just have to make a new and altered version of 'feeling' grounded and all the rest of the things I think I need to feel okay.
Lack of sleep will not rule my life, dang it! Damn you lack of sleep!
Some of my ideas...idealistic...but here there are anyway:
*teach yoga and eventually open my own studio, teach kids yoga (contract with preschools), yoga to the elderly (contract with retirement homes), one on one yoga etc.
*go back to school and get my masters in nutrition and do yoga and nutritional counseling (I think this would be a great combo to offer potential clients)
*go back to school and get my masters in audiology/speech pathology (as this really interested me) and work in schools or hospitals and still teach yoga
*go back to sales, but in an industry where I am selling something that is not only wanted, but something I can be proud of and still teach yoga
*write a book...when I figure out something fun to write about...
Back to that proverbial fence...the issue of whether to work for a pay check or not is fascinating to me. Most of us have to work, because we need the money. However, paying for quality child care and then the expenses of work (wardrobe, gas, lunches...etc)...is it worth what is left over at the end of the month? In some cases, what's left is a lot and so it feels worth it. In some cases it's barely anything and it doesn't appear worth it. However, kids will grow up and go to school in a short number of years and then the career will need to start up again anyway (if money is the issue). Putting one's career on hold for too long can be detrimental. Taking care of a kiddo or kiddos during the day is hard work. I know some kids are easier than others, but for many, it's a tough job. This job has many perks and benefits. I just can't imagine someone else getting the hugs, kisses, smiles, dances, cheers and other wonderful 'perks' that I get and share with my boy each day. I also can't imagine not being able pay for basics when my savings is gone. (some of you know how frugal I am...so basics really does mean basics, studio apartment and ramen here we come). Some people might think it is selfish to stay home. Some people might think it is selfish to go to work. I think both choices are loving and require sacrifices. Either way, it's a tough decision.
Lots to ponder.
Until then, sweet dreams!